"What Have I Done?" A New Zealand Woman Speaks Out About Abortion, Grief, and Choosing Life

Winnie Brown dreamed of travelling the world, but instead found herself pregnant at 23. She decided to have an abortion.

Palmerston North’s Winnie Brown was 23 when she had an abortion. 

She was working out at sea on a fishing trawler at the time, making big money with her partner. 

They would do 6 weeks on, 6 weeks off, for half the year and make enough money to save for what Winnie dreamed of—travel.

Her pregnancy was an unwanted surprise. “Straight away I thought—‘No way am I having this baby.’ I was devastated.” 

Despite her reaction, her partner was positive. He told her everything would work out and they could go house-hunting together.

“But for me, it shattered all my plans. I did not want kids, I wanted to travel the world then settle down. I didn't really know if I was ready to settle down. I was stupid.”

Raised in a family with three older sisters and one younger brother, Winnie’s mum was a Christian and took the kids to church every week. Her dad was a family man and a great provider, but didn’t go to church.

“I knew abortion was wrong. I tried to justify it. Ultimately, I knew it was just selfishness.” She waited a while before telling her mum, and hid it from her dad for decades.

Winnie booked to see her doctor, who asked her why she wanted an abortion. “I told him it wasn’t part of my plan. That was enough for him to send me on to the next part of the process which was to see two other health professionals.”

Winnie says the system made it so easy. 

“It felt like the two other doctors knew nothing about me, they had no attachment or care for me. It was like they were just ticking boxes. I was asked two simple questions - Why do I want an abortion? And how do I think it will affect me later in life?”

[Under current New Zealand law, the requirement for two consultant approvals has been removed for abortions up to 20 weeks, and a pregnant woman can seek an abortion from a single health practitioner without a referral from a GP. In many cases, early medical abortion services can be arranged by phone and telehealth.]

An appointment was booked at her closest abortion clinic.

As Winnie walked from the car to the door, she was met by people warning her not to go through with it. “I was told to hide under a blanket and run inside. It was terrifying. But now I look back and realise there were so many signs not to go through with it. This was one of them.”

As soon as Winnie left the clinic, she knew she had made a mistake.

“Once it was done, I broke down. I thought, ‘What the hell have I done?’ An almighty grief came over me… I was bawling my eyes out.

“My mind was saying, ‘Stop being silly, you chose this, this is the best thing,’ but my heart—my heart became hard.

“From that moment, I was masking. I told myself, ‘Just don't think about it’.”

In the weeks that followed Winnie attempted to return back to life as before. She visited an aunty for a night on her way back to work, when she experienced a life-changing dream.

“I had an out-of-body experience— I was looking down at myself in the bed I was sleeping in, and next to me lay a beautiful golden-skinned baby boy. He was fully formed and I was stroking his face.” When she woke, Winnie began looking for her baby.

“It was so real, it didn't even dawn on me that it was a dream. I realised he was the baby I aborted. That brought more devastation.”

Winnie’s partner broke up with her. “I told him the abortion was a mistake and that we could have another baby. But it didn’t help.”

The following 10 years of her life spiralled from grief, to shame and denial. 

“I travelled the world. But I went from bad to worse.”

Winnie would seek out mediums and tarot card readers to tell her about her lost child.

“I was a master of hiding my feelings, masking what I felt. I started drinking and became a very angry person. It’s the anger and shame you carry, and the guilt.

“I could never feel rest. I was grabbing for something to heal my heart.”

That was until, on a trip visiting her sister in the UK, she came across a market stall with flags promoting healing and prayer.

“I knew I needed healing, but I didn't know how. I didn’t want anyone, not even my mum or sister, to know.” So while they were busy, she approached a little, elderly English woman offering prayer. “I didn’t tell her anything. I thought—if she’s a woman of God, He’ll speak.”

As the woman prayed, she heard what she describes as the audible voice of God. “I forgive you.”

“It broke everything,” she says. “Ten years of shame—gone.” She wept openly.

“From that point onwards, family, coworkers and friends all told me - ‘Something is different, you look different’. I knew what it was.”

Years later, Winnie became pregnant again—this time with her now 11-year-old son.

“To be honest, I thought about abortion again.”

Financial pressure, relationship instability, and fear resurfaced. She even booked an appointment.

But then another dream came.

“I saw my baby being pulled away from me down a tunnel. I was reaching for him, but he kept going.”

She woke up knowing the truth. “I can’t do this again.”

And her new partner also told her straight—no abortions. And every time Winnie would see her sister, she spoke over the baby in the womb - “Aunty will see you in nine [etc] months”.

Winnie carried the pregnancy to term.

“It’s the best thing I’ve ever done. My son is the greatest blessing of my life.”

Now Winnie is sharing her story, knowing one of the keys that unlocks the shame and grief you carry after an abortion is realising others have been through the same thing.

“There are women that have never told anyone, they carry the grief alone. There are also fathers that never got a say, like my first partner. Or the elder sister that wanted and offered to help, but got pushed away.”

“You don’t have to walk this alone. There’s beautiful people that will listen. There’s agencies that are willing to help.”

“Babies don’t hold you back, they grow you more than anything,” says business graduate and mum to an 11-year-old, Winnie Brown.

If I could go talk to my 23-year-old self I’d say: 

“It's a lie, a baby doesn't hold you back. It grows you more than anything. 23’s a great age to get pregnant! Babies don't hold you back. Babies are a blessing, not a burden.”

Winnie says if she could do it all over again, she would keep the baby.

“My 11-year-old son has been the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. I got a second chance.” 

If you would like to talk to Winnie, or would like support and someone to talk to if you’re considering abortion, or if you have had one, please get in touch.

Here are some of our recommended service providers: 

Buttons Project - Towards Healing from Abortion - Providing mental, emotional, and spiritual healing to any person who has been affected by abortion

Save One - Save One, a biblically-based recovery programme for women, men, and families affected by abortion, email gina@voiceforlife.org.nz.

Haven Pregnancy Support - a space for women, men and families to find information and get support when facing an unintended pregnancy, baby loss or post termination. 

Pregnancy Help - free, practical support and advice to anyone caring for Tamariki in Aotearoa.

For a full list, visit voiceforlife.org.nz/crisis-support.